When my Grandmother passed 2 months ago, my world was shattered. I was shattered. My faith in God was shaken to the core. I remember two weeks after her burial, I was speaking to my mom on the phone. I told her I couldn’t understand why God didn’t hear my prayers for my Granny. This may seem strange coming from a believer but it was exactly how I felt.
I believed in the power of prayer. I had witnessed miracles in the lives of others for so many things. There was physical healing, jobs found, homes purchased, marriages restored and yet my Granny died. I was deflated. There were times I was angry. More than that I felt guilty. I asked God what did I not do to deserve her being here with me., with us. Here keeping my family together. I wondered why my Granny was taken away from me. I wondered why he answered my prayers for so many others but called my Granny from this present earth.
I felt like Job (Chapter 6). The burden was so heavy that I stopped praying. That’s when the fear set in. I started to think that if I prayed for someone and things didn’t work out a certain way, I would feel responsible. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I still took prayer request but I would always be sure to share them with the prayer team so I didn’t have to personally pray over them. I was a complete and total mess!!!
Earlier this month, I attended a memorial service for an older gentleman I worked with during my first 4 years teaching. One thing his Pastor said slapped me upside my head. He mentioned grieving too long for someone who lived a full life. My Granny lived a full 94 years. She didn’t transition from the earth in a nursing home or a hospital. She was at home surrounded by family. That in itself was a blessing. I saw her two weeks before she died. That was a blessing. My broken heart was blocking me from seeing the good years. I was stuck mentally in seeing her outer shell and not the fond memories I have in my heart.
Slowly I am beginning to realize that God is too accurate in His doings to drive me away from him. I’m beginning to see my prayers for my Granny weren’t about her physical well. They were more about disciplining me. He’s building character and my faith. I share this with you to encourage someone else today. I’m very transparent in my relationship/my walk with the Lord. If we/the church continue to pretend everything is peaches and cream, those who are watching won’t see the need for a loving Heavenly Father.
Today I can acknowledge that guilt and fear left me shattered in millions of pieces. The good news is God loves me (and you). I won’t always be in this place. Last night I cried myself to sleep, woke up, attended church and was reminded once again that God will never ever leave me in this place. I miss her more than I can ever put into words. I’m aware in time this pain will ease. Fresh air will enter my life again.
If you are dealing with fear and/or guilt. If you are broken by life. Keep going forward. Don’t stop moving even when you can’t see clearly how to put one foot in front of the other. There’s someone watching and waiting for you to overcome so they can celebrate with you. Victory is just around the corner!
This song has encouraged me when I've had those moments where I could do nothing but cry. My Granny loved God and she wouldn't want me to lose my praise.